Forgive me for being this egoist.....

I love The twilight Saga novels

They taught me how to love,and sacrifice at the same time
Even letting go is never easy
I used to hate Bella so much as she was playing with Jacob's heart(New Moon)
Jacob loved her very much,but Bella didn't
instead she loved Edward,but when she wanted Jacob as well (dia milikku)

Now i think I'm facing the fact that i am in Bella's position....
I dunno why,but i feel really egoist
I wanted you and him
How come i can become a monster like this?
I hate myself....................................................................
How come i can become so disgusting like this?
But how if one is my sun and the another one is my breath?
How come i live my life without both of them?
I'm............